Life and relationships are rarely simple. A couple weeks ago I wrote about how apologizing and taking ownership of actions can help move move toward reconciliation. I truly began to feel like maybe we were getting back on the right track. And then another encounter distroyed all hope of that feeling taking root. I was left blindsided by others responses yet again. And the more I thought about my feelings on all these things, the more I began to wish for relief. Nor just numbness or even resolution-but for complete and total indifference.
There are 30,000+ people in the town that I live in. I am only truly connected to a very small percentage of those people. Everyone else that is here are just others in existance. My want, at that time, for the people who have done the hurting to be nothing more to me than one of those that live here but I have no real knowledge of. Yes, they exist. No they don’t matter to me in the grand sceme of life. I wanted indifference. As Taylor Swift says in one of her songs: “It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference.”
You see, we experience seasons of deep love, times of painful conflict, and sometimes… silence. When I expressed my desires for this total indifference in therapy, my fantastic therapist decided we needed to work through the difference between love, hate, and indifference. She said something that stopped me in my tracks: “Even hate is better than indifference, because indifference is what allows things like the persecution and other horrible things to happen.”
At first, that felt counterintuitive. Hate seems so destructive—how could it possibly be “better” than anything? But the more I sit with it, the more I see how dangerous indifference truly is.
Love, Hate, and Indifference
- Love draws us closer. It says, “I see you, and you matter.”
- Hate is destructive, but it still recognizes the other person’s existence.
- Indifference quietly erases. It says, “You don’t matter enough for me to care at all.”
When we love, we engage. Even when we hate, we are still in relationship—albeit a broken one. But indifference shuts the door completely.
Why Indifference Is More Dangerous
Hate is visible. It burns hot, and often people rise up against it. And if we are being truthful, that hate rarely lasts. There are seasons of intense burning, but eventually it fades out and leaves behind disappoiintment, mistrust, and sadness. All emotions that continue to acknowledge the relationship that once was and commuincates to others that we have the capacity to feel deeply.
But indifference? Indifference slips by unnoticed. It looks like silence, avoidance, or apathy. And in that silence, great harm can grow unchecked.
History gives us sobering examples. When entire communities turn away and choose not to see injustice, evil multiplies. Indifference doesn’t fight—it simply steps aside, turns away, or moves on past without getting involved.
In relationships, indifference wounds deeply. Anger at least acknowledges hurt. Indifference communicates, “You’re not even worth responding to.” That’s why being ignored can sting far more than being yelled at.
Neutrality vs. Indifference
But here’s something I’m also learning: neutrality is not the same thing as indifference.
- Indifference erases a person’s value—it says they don’t matter at all.
- Neutrality acknowledges the person, but without attaching intense emotions of love or hate.
Neutrality can actually be a healthier landing place, especially after hurt or conflict. It means you’ve moved beyond the hate and the anger, and maybe even the sadness, without hardening into apathy. You still recognize the other person’s humanity, but you no longer let their actions consume your emotional energy.
From a faith perspective, neutrality creates space for God to work. You don’t have to force reconciliation or pretend everything is fine—but you also don’t slam the door shut. It’s an honest acknowledgment: “I’m not holding love or hate right now, but I’m leaving room for God to guide what comes next.”
God Is Never Indifferent
Scripture shows us a God who engages. He loves passionately. He grieves over sin. He burns with righteous anger at injustice. But He is never apathetic. Even in His silence, God is still demonstrating his love and grace for His creation.
Jesus Himself showed this when He wept at Lazarus’ tomb (John 11:35) and when He overturned tables in the temple (Matthew 21:12–13). His emotions weren’t detached—He entered into the pain and brokenness of this world because people mattered to Him.
Indifference is not part of His character. And if we’re called to be like Him, it shouldn’t be part of ours either.
Moving Beyond Hate and Indifference
If you’re like me, indifference sometimes feels easier. Caring is costly. It risks hurt, rejection, and disappointment. But choosing indifference doesn’t protect us—it slowly numbs us.
So how do we move beyond these responses?
- Notice where indifference shows up. Are there people or situations you’ve chosen to “tune out” rather than face?
- Name the emotion underneath. Often indifference is a mask for exhaustion, fear, or even anger.
- Aim for neutrality if love feels out of reach. Neutrality gives you breathing space without erasing the other person’s value.
- Take small steps toward love. Love doesn’t have to mean reconciliation right away—it can look like praying for someone, choosing kindness, or refusing to dehumanize them.
Final Thought
I’m still learning this myself. I’d often rather retreat than risk loving someone who may not love me back. But God doesn’t call us to safety—He calls us to love.
Neutrality may be a healthier stopping place along the journey, but indifference is never where we’re meant to stay. Because when we stop seeing and caring for one another, the world becomes a colder, darker place. As a lot of people keep reminding me, no man is an island.
Let’s be people who choose love whenever we can. And when we can’t, let’s at least choose neutrality—the open-handed space where God can still do His healing work.
Your Turn:
Where have you noticed indifference creeping in—and how might shifting toward neutrality (or even love) change the story?
Holy Mess, Whole Me 
Leave a comment